My Saga Continues:

By now anybody who reads my blogs should know I’m far from electronically adept.  I’ve got a fair amount of intelligence, able to follow directions; in fact I installed my kitchen stove.  Yes, it took some sweat and persistence, but I did it in a few hours.  In truth I made a mistake in the wiring for the hood and for a few days had to push the fan button to turn on the light and vice versa.  I let it ride because I rarely use those features.  When the mood hit me I went back in and re-wired.  It worked perfect until I decided to remodel the whole kitchen so I hired a contractor:  It is important to know one’s limitations.

I am better at reading maps than listening to my challenged GPS when travelling, so I keep maps handy in case she goes literally off the map.  I give Garmin 65% accuracy these days and my sense of direction a good 110%.  I know when she’s been hitting the bottle. I am still perplexed why a female voice from some other planet was used to “talk” me through my travels.  Sounds sexist to me: she’s often so wrong.

I assemble furniture, put together gas barbeques, built my own deck, change my oil and check my own tires.  I painted my one level home and extracted overgrown shrubbery with roots to the center of the earth.  As long as I can find directions and my body is in good shape I can do the work.

I discovered my apparent faulty brain wiring when Video Cams and Players arrived on scene.  First there was my confusion regarding players for tapes: they  were either Sony or VHS, and  Larry The Cable Guy came to our house to hook our TV and player to Cable or something like that. 

As I watched he did something so confusing regarding the in-plug and out-plug that I left the room feeling like an idiot: something between going in the out, going out the in.  In should be in; out should be out, no? Perhaps if I had been offered instructions to read or a map to SEE it could have made brain-sense to me.   I was slipping out of our concrete world into a Wonder Hole of Weird.   

Three decades later I’m more convinced about the WH of W.  and it seems everyone but me has expensive phones to carry around our entertainment, our life history, our family photos, gossip, and our many and asstute opinions. We keep it all in our ears and/or in our hands. That’s okay with me because I don’t want to participate. 

However I do get annoyed when the fabulous wired people walk smack into my car when I’m stopped at a stop sign!  Honestly, it’s happened twice:  once it was a preteen girl, wearing wires and looking at her palm;  the second time was a thirty-something Metro Man with earpods,  looking at the sky and shouting opinions or instructions to another apparent fool.

I’ve also been gently wrecked by a middle-aged real estate agent who thought she was sealing a deal as she backed out of her parking space and into me.  I was already out of my space, on the move, and slammed on my brakes when I saw her rear end aimed at me.  I honked and yelled, but, her head was truly in another place.  She was oblivious to anything other than the person she spoke to the person she could not see.  

I had enough time to get out of my car and heard my fender & bumper crunch, and she still did not notice.  Several witnesses chased her down with me and still she talked.

This is called  “distracted driving” and the fines are minimal, which annoys me. Distracted driving is the same as Drunk driving in my book:  brain not engaged.  Anyway,  her insurance paid $5,000.00 for my damage and I got a cute replacement car during the repairs. 

I see her every once in a while, and note that she’s still participating in distracted driving.  Well, laws will always be broken –  if the penalty fines are a joke.  Deadly Distracted Driving is  one fourth of the fine for driving in a “High Occupancy” Lane (and in our silly world “high occupancy” is just two persons, LOL & OMG.)

Aah, today I am faced with The Era of the Ether:  everything is somewhere in a “cloud” or on a “path” and I don’t do clouds, like to follow my own path.  I know that the only way to save my soul, my sanity (and probably some longtime friendships) is to get off my rear and go take some classes.

I’m constantly weighing the costs:  the cost of dollah coin, as well as the cost of spiritual and emotional coin:  What happens if I really AM too dumb to “get it”?

On my old 2003 p.c. I used to put on oversize earphones, plugged them in, pulled up Skype and selected my contact’s number  an ADDRESS BOOK  I had simple list of my friends and their numbers, each name decoratively sporting corresponding tiny flags of their respective countries.  How cute is that!

I installed Skype as soon as I got set up in my Windows 8 and immediately found that GoopSquid did not transfer my phone list, instead they’d added tons of unwanted Malware.

I don’t know, messing with phone numbers – maybe it’s  a security/legal issue. Besides, I have another method of finding telephone numbers!  It’s called an Address Book; mine is fake leather, a soft powder blue fake leather.  And I always know where it is.

I thought it would be a good idea to spend some time this morning getting all my out-of state/country numbers lined up in Skype, maybe give a long-time friend in the South of France a call. 

She wants me to come spend a some time with her in the hills just above…….Cannes. It’s a nice thought, but I’d have to lose weight, get money to buy a Louie Vee bag and probably a face stretch.  Maybe take up smoking again.  Gghagk!

As I fumbled around I found new updated and strange things with Skype today:  I could not find the address book in their site to set up my numbers.  Obeying my innate reasoning I opted to go to Skype’s “troubleshooting” site for help site because that’s what we do when we aren’t going to get a Flesh and Blood being. 

Here are the selections I found in my searches for “Address Book”  “New Address Book” “Creating  Address Book” and “Adding new Addresses”

(Italics below are my unspoken words) 


1- Multi-tasking during a Skype call  ~ Hello? I no longer believe in M/T.

 2- Starting conversations from The People Hub ~I don’t want whatever your  “Hub” is – I want an address or an address APP!   (desperately trying to speak the language)   

 3-  Settings for notifications ~no thank you I’d rather not be interrupted

 4-  Settings for lock screen notifications ~that’s why I don’t want no notifications!! I’ll have to lock ‘em out!

And the most offensive of all that nearly pushed me over the edge:

“So let’s get started, shall we?” ~ you supercilious  electronic jerk! Gimme my address book/site/place/ destination/locale/suite/preference on my Skype Site so I can see it!

Sigh, I’m thinking of an old man with enormous eyebrows, and I think I hear Mr. Andy Rooney laughing from the stars.



Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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  1. kpnewell

    “you supercilious electronic jerk”. I was rolling on the floor laughing, or ROTFL, by the time I got to these “unspoken words”, feeling your pain and exasperation about the huge gaps in the new technology, i.e., human interaction and understanding. I hate saying it, but I’m having trouble keeping up too! By age 18, I had taught myself how to sew my own clothes, and later my family’s clothes, drapes, bedspreads, knit, crochet, cook, etc. I later worked outside the home as a Corporation Documents Examiner and Deputy Secretary of State, and later in life, I took college courses, including computer science and desk top publishing, but today I am entirely confused with TVs, routers, DVRs and set-top boxes. If I can’t get it to work, I just shut the dang TV off… if I can find the right button on the remote control; not missing much anyway, right? I understand computer’s pretty well, except that the versions of Microsoft that came after XP seem to be a pain in the you-know-what! And what ever happened to TV dials? I miss them, too, and I’m STILL learning how to operate my smarty-pants phone. LOL!

    They’ve always said misery loves company; thanks for the laugh!

  2. I left my comments to this entry on your woodmelanie site. Still laughing, which is much better than crying. LOL! Loved it!


  3. Rose Fuhrman

    Good read, Melanie. haha But you have used “the cloud” for years. 🙂

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